Damien’s Journal – 12/6/12

It’s been a couple weeks since I posted anything so I thought I better get a quick post in so I might actually remember some of the things I’ve been learning.  To be honest, I’m pretty pissed at myself. I haven’t been taking this seriously.  Sure I did at one point when I realized we were actually facing real danger, but I guess I lost sight of that.  I don’t know.  Part of me wants to blame my Dad.  I can’t help but feel like he rushed me through the training and never really told me what I need to know. Jason’s father on the other hand, told him all sorts of thing my father never bothered to.  But then again, maybe he did and I just didn’t fully comprehend what he was saying.

I didn’t understand why Jason was so pissed when we ran into our cousins in Rome, until we got home from the trip and decided to take a few days off from traveling. We got back from Switzerland the night before Thanksgiving, and his mood wasn’t any better. I finally asked him straight out what his problem was. It was then that he reminded me that we aren’t supposed to be treating this like an adventure a couple of stupid kids are taking. This is part of our training, and the whole point of the training is to learn how to travel and remain completely hidden from anyone’s notice. We’re supposed to blend in with the general population, not advertise who we are. What happened in Rome was a blatant failure on our part, and for our cousins.  He just didn’t feel it was his place to say anything to them.

It was also then that he explained to me that our assignments are very different from what the rest of our family has. They are protecting things from outsiders. We may very well find ourselves protecting items or journals from libraries from members of our own family. We can’t afford to trust anyone that we don’t directly know. My father never mentioned that to me. What is even worse is that we had to back track to all the locations our cousins took us to and find new locations that were safe for us to transfer to, far away from where they could find us in the future. The only good thing about our meeting them is that we never told them what our assignments were. As much as I hate to admit it, I almost did. It was Jason that stopped me and quickly changed the subject.

I feel like an idiot. Sure, I know how to do some pretty amazing things, but I still don’t know a damn thing about what I’m supposed to do with them. Now it feels like the only person I can really trust is Jason.  I’m pretty sure he’s beginning to question whether or not he can trust me. Either way, he’s stuck with me. I can say this much,  I’m not playing around anymore. From this point forward, we’re on our own. It is up to us to learn as much as we can before we start getting the warning signals that force us into action.  It scares the hell out of me knowing they can go off at any moment.  There is nothing we can do to prepare for what we will face when that happens.  There will be no time to prepare, we can only react and hope we have trained enough to save our lives.  I understand now that what we are protecting could very well cost us our lives if we fail. There won’t be any second chances.

I miss my family.  I miss the ignorance that lead me to believe that this world was a lot safer than what I know it to be now. We didn’t get to have Thanksgiving dinner at home.  Instead we ate a crappy dinner that was filled with loud annoying drunks at a diner.  Christmas and New Years are going to be the same. I wonder if the holidays will ever be what they once were? Here I thought I was getting to know more members of my family when all I was really doing was meeting people that were part of the same army I am now a part of. At least I have Jason to work with.  Most members of my family don’t have someone to work with and they must face their assignments alone. But then again, most of them don’t have to worry about possibly coming face to face with members of their own family either.

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~ by Stephanie Laws on December 6, 2012.